|
|
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Love and Respect
From "Reforming Marriage" by Douglas Wilson
... when the bible gives a specific command to husbands as husbands, and does the same for wives as wives, the emphasis in the respective commands is notably different. For example, wives are nowhere specifically commanded to love their husbands. In one passage, the older women are urged to teach the younger women to be "husband-lovers." But the word is a compound word (philandros), and the form of the word for love refers to a warm affection. The attitude that is required for wives is one of respect. "...and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Eph. 5:33)
Men, on the other hand, are commanded to love (agapao) their wives to the uttermost. Two examples are given for the men, and both require tremendous self-sacrifice. First, men are to love their wives as they love their own bodies. "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself" (Eph. 5:28). Second, men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her...(Eph. 5:25).
Now the Scripture plainly gives us our duties. Wives are to respect their husbands, and husbands are to love their wives. But there is more. When we consider these requirements and look at how men and women relate to one another, we can see the harmony between what God requires, and what we need both to give and to receive.
The commands are given to our respective weaknesses in the performance of our duties. Men need to do their duty with regard to their wives - they need to love. Women need to do their duty in the same way - they need to respect. But men are generally poor at this kind of loving. C.S. Lewis once commented that women tend to think of love as taking trouble for others (which is much closer to the biblical definition), while men tend to think of love as not giving trouble to others. Men consequently need work in this area, and they are instructed by Scripture to undertake it. In a similar way, women are fully capable of loving a man, and sacrificing for him, while believing the entire time that he is a true and unvarnished jerk. Women are good at this kind of love, but the central requirement given to wives is that they respect their husbands. ...... It is wrong for women to substitute love for the respect God requires.
We can also see the commands which are given have regard for our respective weaknesses in another way. Men have a need to be respected, and women have a need to be loved. When Scripture says, for example, that the elders of a church must feed the sheep, it is a legitimate inference to say that sheep need food. In the same way, when the Scripture emphasizes that wives must respect their husbands, it is a legitimate inference to say that husbands need respect. The same is true for wives. If the Bible requires husbands to love their wives, we may safely say that wives need to be loved.
But we are often like the man who gave his wife a shotgun for Christmas because he wanted one. When a wife is trying to work on a troubled marriage, she gives to him what she would like, and not what God commanded adn not what he needs. She loves him, and she tells him so. But does she respect him and tell him so?
We have difficulty because we do not follow the scriptural instructions. When a man is communicating his love for his wife (both verbally and nonverbally), he should be seeking to communicate to her the security provided by his covenantal commitment. He will provide for her, he will nourish and cherish her, he will sacrifice for her, and so forth. Her need is to be secure in his love for her. Her need is to receive love from him.
When a wife is respecting and honoring her husband, the transaction is quite different. Instead of concentrating on the security of the relationship, respect is directed to his abilities and achievements - how hard he works, how faithfully he comes home, how patient he is with the kids, and so forth.
The specifics may cause problems with some because she thinks he might not come home, and she thinks he doesn't work nearly hard enough. But love is to be rendered to wives and respect to husbands, because God has required it, and not because any husband or wife has earned it. It is good for us to remember that God requires our spouses to render to us far more than any of us deserve.
3/15/2006 06:59:00 PM by Todd Bacon
0 comments
|
